by Kyla

I went on a cruise to Alaska just before school started. I am willing to submit this may not be the usual student experience; I acknowledge, therefore, that this post may appear to fall outside of my mandate. However, I went on this cruise with explicit instructions from my beautiful father, who had this to say when he heard about my planned trip:

Try to find yourself a Sugar Daddy while you’re on there.

I like to think this relates to me being a student, because if I wasn’t a student I wouldn’t be poor, thus would not be given explicit instructions from my Dad to, er, whore myself out.

I discussed this with friends. “Not sure there are too many single men who go on those cruises, Kyla,” my buddy said.

I paused for a brief moment of thought. “Umm, I don’t recall my Dad saying anything about my finding a single Sugar Daddy,” I said. “My instructions were clear in their brevity. Find a Sugar Daddy. Full stop.” My friends conceded this was true, so I boarded the vessel with high hopes and full attention to my task.

I draped myself in what I imagined were alluring positions around the boat. You know, perched hopefully on a bar stool, brittle smile affixed in place, smudge of lipstick across my teeth. This strangely did not get the desired results. No man – whether on board alone, with his wife, his girlfriend, or his wife and his girlfriend (you know who you are, green wide-lapeled dinner jacket) paid me the slightest bit of attention, although I admit to a small bit of optimism when the beautiful white-toothed waiter offered me yet another glass of water.

I felt a little weird about the whole thing until I heard this song by Spring Break Up. Go ahead and listen now. I’ll wait.

I think this song pretty much explains everything. That’s just the effect I have on men, what do you expect, I’m an eleven out of ten.

No. Really.